"We detach, and we detach like glue that is worn off from water or may be even time. We peel like an orange from its own skin. One becomes two again."
WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE'RE SUFFERING?
There're two possibilities*: In the best possibility, we're processing our thoughts. We give ourselves time and space to grieve, soak up the pain, accept the outcome and reality, talk about it to somebody we trust, and we try to heal. In the worst possibility, we feel hopeless, angry, sad, and abandoned. We blame ourselves or the other person. The world seems irrelevant to us and everything shatters.
Time and again, I have experienced both the possibilities.
In my worst scenario, I felt uneasy, restless and I made recurring mistakes. I was filled with anguish and hate, and I reacted to the situation. I felt guilty and was self-injurious.
In my best scenario, since, most of my life I have lived alone (without my immediate family) and moved to places; I have fewer friends and not all of them are available. Therefore, I talked to myself. I became vulnerable and confessed to the other person. Through constant dialogue, I found ways to resolve and respect the person irrespective of the outcome.
Coping up is not only difficult, but it can also seem impossible. In my personal experience, I have gone through a great deal of anxiety and insecurity. Sometimes, I lie numb and stare at the ceiling for hours and cry on the bathroom floor.
So, it’s a real challenge.
GRIEF CAN BE PARALYZING
Some days, we fall apart and want everything in the world to take us back. On other days, we’re able to get out of bed and get with our routine. We are drowned in memories and we hold onto the past moments that shatter our heart and chill our bone.
THE BREAK-UP
Remember that every one of us is a separate different human being. Therefore, it’s one of the hardest parts of life to accept that we’re not physically, emotionally, or mentally attached to anyone at all times.
And then there’s life that also brings us to a person or time when we feel we are one, we belong and we’re so similar. So, two becomes one. We make bonds. We forget about us being separate independent human beings.
But then life happens, and it reminds us that we’re completely different people. We detach, and we detach like the glue that is worn off from water or may be even time. We peel like an orange from its own skin. One becomes two again.
“So ancient is the desire for another which is implanted in us. Reuniting our original natural, seeking to make one of two and healing the state of man.”
: Plato, Symposium
BUT WHY DO WE MAKE A BOND IN THE FIRST PLACE
We all want to be something and so, we look outside to acquire it. Sometimes, it’s love that we want and sometimes it is a person or place. We make matches. We familiarize. We love and are loved. We seek space for ourselves forgetting the fact that it’s all within us. We just need to look inside.
THE RESIDUAL FEELING Very often, when we're at the receiving end, the only thing we can think of is our suffering and how the person and situation have brought us trouble and pain. We're caught up in our feelings, our conviction, and this clouds our reason and ability to remain honest to the other perspective.
HERE'S THE CONTRADICTION
We want to resolve and find a solution to end the suffering. But in most of the cases, the nature of our approach is purely unilateral. Meaning to say, we want to find a solution for ourselves only and do not bother about the other party/person involved.
Therefore, a meaningful dialogue does not take place. This can happen even when both parties have talked about their versions of the story. Why? Because both sides have presented their versions without being a good listener to each other's perspective and without recognizing and acknowledging each other's suffering and pain.
Instead, what people generally end up doing is- just trying to prove that their version of the story is the right version and other versions are wrong. It is a good time to point that listening and acknowledging the other person does not mean subsidizing our/your pain/suffering.
WHY DO WE NOT LISTEN
We do not listen to another person's perspective: Because we're very strongly invested in our own version of story and perspective. Because we’re in a state of aggressive- non-forgiveness.
listening means listening- active listening, just listening without intending to respond to what is being said.
This is important of all. At the same time, this is challenging. Because this demands that we cease to be a party of the incident and become neutral to the person or incident and just listen. If we can do this, we can resolve most of our suffering and problems.
APOLOGIZE
If you feel guilty about something that you could have done better, apologize and mend. While, apologizing is always viewed as a sign of weakness, nevertheless, it is the most strengthening thing to do. Because it frees us from the toxicity and allows us relief.
LET GO
This does not suggest that we go out and party and then all our sufferings will be gone. That only buries our unsettled selves, our unsettled emotions. Face every inch of what you’re going through. Be kind to it to accept it. You need to evacuate your heart that is full of dead emotions. Free the dead.
DO NOT UN-LOVE
We do not have to un-love a person to forget what we went through. That’s revenge and does no good to our mental well-being. Holding onto resentments will only add to the bitterness. Try love, instead and make peace with it.
ADVISES DO NOT HELP
When you’re in need, seek help. But also, do not forget to look inside, to seek help from your own self. Outside advices are aliens to your inner universe. You will find solutions inside yourself.
TIME DOES NOT HEAL
People would say time heals and so, with time, you will heal. But time does not heal you. You heal yourself. Time is just a factor. Some scars never heal irrespective of time because they’re so deeply affecting our inner thought process. Therefore, time is irrelevant and you’re important to your healing process.
DON'T IMPOSE CLOSURE
Very often, when we are broken, we do not look for closure but for a new beginning. And that begins instantly. So, don’t rush your healing. Let it process.
Go down the spiral
Our lives are like spiral. We keep going forth and back. This is necessary for our wounds to heal and for us to go back to our life experiences to ready ourselves for the coming experiences.
The truth is that heart-breaks are never easy. Pain is never sweet. Pain is pain. Suffering is suffering. Denying them the acknowledgment will only multiply pain. So, accept. Admit. Remain kind in the process. Do not give up. Hang on. Take charge of your life. Nobody would come to your rescue but only you. Love yourself and heal.
*There could multiple possibilities of dealing with pain and suffering arising from any accident or misfortunate break-up. This is never binary.
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